Dear Diary, by Sachin Tendulkar [Satire]

‘God Proposes……’

For all critics and fans alike, here is a piece of news that you did not know. Sachin tried an Afridi, albeit unsuccessfully. Several times over the last one and half years, he has tried to retire, but never did people let him go. Here’s unveiling the truth, with excerpts from Sachin’s diary (stolen when his hands were tied during a hair-styling session).

Disclaimer: Children below 18 and ladies who opted not to watch Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham, are advised not to read any further. We were in tears by the time we finished reading this. In fact, we choked more than the Proteas…

April 02, 2011: (Night of the World Cup triumph)

“Dear diary!! Am over the moon today..!! The only trophy missing in my cabinet, the World Cup!!! I have got my hands on it!!!!!!! Woooowwwwwwww!!!!! Can I resign now and go out on a high?? But am just one century away from history, so I better stay…!! Otherwise people would say “Why Mr. Tendulkar? Why on 99 centuries ?? Trying to do a Bradman…?!?!””

After the tour of England:

“Dear diary..!! Fantastic weather, and as expected, a lot of ‘grass’ on the ground… Nets on the ground… Tennis ball game… ;-);-) @ the Wimbledon… Am injured, you see? Fedex shared a pose with me… He must be the tennis equivalent of me… Champion, titles, long waits, falling hair…. I still can’t quit .. :-( people would say “Look at you. Mr. Tendulkar… Scored 99, cant score one…?!?!””

After the Wankhede Test:

“Dear diary..!! Me on 96. Dream century at my home ground!! OMG!!! Ravi Rampaul x-( Need I say any more? And that useless Sammy… Kept ‘dropping’ Rahul but not me… he must be an Indian selector.. !! I dare not dream quitting now!! People would say “What do you think of yourself, Mr. Tendulkar? Where else do you want to score your hundredth, if not here? Book cricket, maybe..?!?!”.

P.S: “Ha ha, Rampaul… Coming to the IPL auctions, aren’t you?? Meet you there… X-)”

After the Australia Tour:

“Dear diary..!! One year over now… still on double digits… Why did they not declare IPL an international game… I would have been done with all this 100^th 100 hype… :-( Celebrated the anniversary with a century against Australia at Perth… in EA Cricket 09… Could have sat out again, citing injury.. but no Australian Open Tennis :-( If I quit now, People would say “Excuse me Mr. Tendulkar.. Was it for this nonsense that we were waiting a year in bated breath..?!?!””

March 09, 2012:

“Dear diary..!! Rahul came up the order here too, and retired gracefully :-( If I follow, people would say “What an irresponsible act, Mr. Tendulkar? Forget ‘that’ 100, we are kicking ourselves to have started that hype.. Think about our team!! Rahul has already gone, now you too leave..?!?!”.

P.S: “Trust me! I did not ‘skip’ his farewell.. I was really in the UK to meet my doctor” :-(

After ‘that’ 100:

“Dear diary..!! :-D:-D Smiles galore!! ‘Monkey’ off my back!! (No Symmo, not you!!) Phew!! I could finally afford to breathe easy… Lost the match, jinx continues, but the hype is over. If I quit now, people would say “Brilliant, Mr. Tendulkar… So, this was what you were playing for this long..?!?! How selfish!! And we are not even talking about the number of balls you wasted to score that ‘one’ run..!!””

“Oh My ‘Namesake’..! It took me so long to get here..!!”

After entering the Rajya Sabha:

“Dear Diary..!! House of Elders (Looks like an indirect message). I was about to say ‘No’, but then I remembered.. Arjun’s school fees have gone up, petrol prices are up (though I don’t have a Ferrari), Naturals and Green Trends have increased their charges… Ailaaaa… What will I do after retirement?? So I took oath as MP, but people call that wrong… Have been searching for that Manjrekar… He was the one who started “I am surprised”, “I am shocked”, “I am kamaaled”… ^%&*#$.. If I retire now, people would say “Yeh dekho! Doosri naukri mil gayi, aur besharam bhaag gaya!!””

June 23, 2012:

“Dear diary, am I to be blamed for all this?? I wrote lines for Kohli to recite after the World Cup victory – ‘He has been carrying the nation’s hope for 20 years. It is now time for us to take it off his shoulders’. That fellow stopped with one line, and ran off to set his spikes right! Then again, I thought the BCCI would choose me over Rahul, but that too didn’t happen… the ‘nice guy finished first’… Arjun keeps showing me videos of Samit playing with his dad, and keeps asking me “Papa, hum dono aise kab khelenge!? Don’t say ‘When you play for India, beta’ again!!””

“Suddenly people have started hating me…!! And to think I delayed the decision all these days just for them…!! They see Kohli and Rohit and ask me to go.. But when the next match comes, they will start some stupid milestone or the other… “Sachin is just 14 runs short of a 1000 runs as Rajya Sabha Member”, “Sachin needs just one century to complete 50 tons since he sold his Ferrari”, blah-blah-blah… Mummmyyyy…. What am I supposed to do…?!?!”

“Dear diary, even Sunil J has put his papers down… Mera number kab aayegaa???”