Satire: Player banned for bowling poorly to boost fantasy team points

DISCLAIMER – This is a satire, and should be taken in jest.

It seems that there is always controversy following the game of cricket. Namibia’s match against the Netherlands earlier today… Oh wait, nothing happened in that match.

The Indian Premier League has been described by pundits as ‘cricket on steroids’, ‘Las Vegas cricket’ and not least, ‘cricket born out of the illegitimate relationship between a cheetah and a hooker’. With such platitudes, the IPL was always one to flirt with controversy, and this year, it was just a matter of time before something would erupt. It finally happened, when on Thursday it was discovered that a cricketer deliberately bowled poorly in order to let the batsman score. This was done because the said bowler had picked the batsman in his fantasy cricket team.

“I’ve been trying for the last 15 years – ever since Super Selector ran on ESPN – to win a fantasy cricket game. It’s been impossible! Whenever I pick players, they either perform badly, get injured, get stupidly replaced by Australia’s mid-90s ‘rotation policy’, retire (in the case of Shahid Afridi), get banned for racial abuses, get banned for showing dissent, or go off for weddings. I had enough of this and decided to take matters into my own hands… So I got into the cricket team and bowled badly at people I selected as batsmen, and batted poorly to bowlers I faced (but only after playing out a maiden over to get him bonus points) and ensured that I drop catches,” said the player, now in custody.

When asked why he just didn’t improve his own game and select himself, he stuttered, “Oh, I never thought of that! I mean… Good idea, but would it work… I mean…,” in the uncomfortable nature of an MBA student who’s been asked a question he couldn’t answer.

Mohammad Amir, famous for being a world-class fast-bowler who would have been the ideal successor to Imran Khan, Wasim Akram and Waqar Younis bowling no-balls in England, was disgusted. “Kids these days… Bowling poorly deliberately just to win an iPad on some rubbish website. In our day, we used to bowl no-balls for pride! (And for a lot of money. Hehe),” he said, before going back to practising his sullen look which he gives to reporters who ask him how life is.

The tragic part is, the aforementioned cricketer forgot to save his team, and ended up losing not just his career, but his position in the fantasy league as well.

Sir Ravindra Jadeja, when contacted to ask what should be done in order to prevent such practices, replied, “Simple – just ensure that I am pre-selected into all the teams!,” before leaving to tutor Hrithik Roshan how to jump into water off a cliff.

DISCLAIMER – This is a satire, and should be taken in jest.