Five reasons why Duncan Fletcher is not sacked

Duncan Fletcher

Among all those gloomy faces in the Indian dressing room, none will draw your sympathy more than that of a fat slightly chubby young sexagenarian. He is lying in one corner of the dressing room, his iPad in hand, looking absolutely distraught, almost on the verge of crying.

“His team lost again. He will be sacked now. It’s hard on him, you must understand. He’s been dedicated to his team – to the game – ever since he downloaded it. It’s sad,” said a cricketer who wished to remain anonymous but urged this reporter to chip in a hint or two in this column about his virtual knighthood.

This reporter was dragged out of the dressing room by furious security personnel as he wondered aloud why a national cricket coach must be playing video games when his mortal team is getting thrashed on foreign soil and he lies on the danger of losing his job.

Welcome to Team India dressing room – wait, you need to sneak out an entry pass from someone called Gurunath Meiyappan for this – and meet Duncan Fletcher, popularly believed as the Team India coach.

Don’t be fooled by the presence of nothing in his trophy cabinet (he says, he won a Champions’ Trophy but that’s gone for polishing), he has tremendous records to his name. Records that you can’t look up in cricket books, records that speak of his latent capabilities. None, in the history of the game, has remained in power at the back of 0-8 defeats and counting.

Credit goes to BCCI as well for showing confidence in Fletcher at a time when the whole country had called for his head. Never mind the hundreds of burnt effigies, Fletcher certainly has reasons that make him stand out in a pool of Mickey Arthurs and Greg Chappells.

5. I am speechless

From 2011 World Cup highs to 0-8 lows, the slope for India has been so steep that no wonder, it has left statisticians bemused and players speechless. But hey, not more than Fletcher, of course! Even MS Dhoni had admitted that he had been wordless regarding the decline, but Fletcher? As a purist (and a suspected robot), he preferred to exercise speechlessness in stead of saying so.

A couple of months back, Sachin Tendulkar had broken yet another record when he had Mr. Manmohan Singh thanking the former and speaking of his retirement. Fletcher, however, remained firm on his resolution to speak publicly only after India has qualified for the FIFA World Cup.

Such has been the existential resemblance between Raina’s nephew and Fletcher’s tongue, that pictures of him talking to Dhoni on a practice session had gone viral on printed media. Later, Dhoni clarified that Fletcher had only been yawning – noiselessly, of course.

4. I’m against DRS

What better way to get into Srinivasan’s good books than opposing the DRS? Well, Duncan Fletcher seems to have done exactly that. Accuracy, obviously, will be too hard on Ravindra Jadeja who’ll have no other option but to walk once he edges it and that is reason enough for BCCI to malign the Decision Review System. Of course, none can compromise with the preservation of Sir’s wicket.

It’s not distinctly known whether Fletcher has an opinion about DRS since no reporter has ever been able to buy a couple of words out of him, but considering his silence, it may well be presumed that his views are in perfect harmony with those of the Board. Now tell me, which sane Board President will axe such an agreeable coach?

3. No multiple captain theory

“After the Greg Chappell era, we have had done away with experiments” was what the Indian skipper announced at a press conference some days back in an attempt to justify Suresh Raina’s inclusion in the playing eleven. It is fascinating how he escaped controversy with that statement because, unintentionally or otherwise, he did make it sound like the Australian had been a nightmare.

Duncan Fletcher with his one and only captain – MS Dhoni

History says Chappell had been sacked for his weird theories – same with John Buchanan and his multiple captain theory – but only after they had succeeded grabbing the pie from one particular Bengali cricketer. Coincidence or conspiracy – whichever you prefer – facts state Duncan Fletcher has been vigilant enough not to toe the line.

He had sacrificed a couple of goats at a certain Kalighat temple during his visit to Kolkata but has remained tight-lipped about it as usual. If one had to go by gossips, he may assume that Fletcher was thankful to that Bengali cricketer for retiring before he took up.

Such has been Fletcher’s devotion to his skipper, that he has never questioned the latter’s decisions – no matter how rebellious and logic-defying those may be – and neither has he ever passed a word at a press conference where Dhoni has been present.

2. No homework

“If you want to know what a man’s like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals.”

Being a Pottermaniac, how can Fletcher forget those wise words of Sirius Black? In more instances than one, he has convincingly defeated Suresh Raina and Murali Vijay in Counterstrike. Yet, he knew he mustn’t be harsh towards his inferiors and must not give them homework.

Take a cue from what happened to Arthur. Homeworks are only meant for the school children – one of the many BCCI thumb-rules state – and after Tendulkar, no school children are to be considered for an India cap. Thus it rules out Fletcher’s possibility of enforcing homework on even the naughtiest of his students.

“It’s one of those exceptional occasions where he used his brains. He knew he could never drop Rohit on the excuse of homework. He had to keep on playing him until he scored a double century, since Rohit is a crowd-favorite and his batting earns huge revenues for a certain Noodles manufacturing company”, whispered someone.

1. I didn’t do anything

A man loses his job only when he does something. If a coach has done nothing, how can you fire him?

Duncan Fletcher turned out to be a genius to hold his position since he was aware of every possible way he could keep his job. All he had to do was nothing. Trouble was that he took it a bit more seriously than was required. He didn’t stop the fall during the whitewashes, didn’t speak to the press, didn’t give a pep-talk in the dressing room prior to a match, didn’t even show emotions when the eleven returned vanquished.

When have cricket boards round the world began sacking coaches for only playing video games and fiddling with his iPad?

“It is an Indian tradition to look after foreigners and treat them with utmost respect and cordiality. We can never even think of sacking Duncan,” a well-placed source chipped in at the end of another inconsequential Board meeting.

When asked about the horrible record overseas, he said, “It’s a matter of perception you know. India has been unplayable in the subcontinent and Duncan being a Zimbabwean, is foreigner to India.”

“So I’d rather say Duncan’s records in away matches have been tremendous, while that of Team India have been poor. It’s not the same,” he winked.