Satire: Records that can be broken in the Australia – West Indies series

Jason Holder and Steve Smith may turn out to be respective teams’ highest scorers

The record keepers are all getting ready for a major shakeup. South Africa and India kept them busy in recent times, with vicious tracks and blockathons throwing at them various types of numbers that deserved a raised eyebrow at the very least. But, that would only be trial practice for the avalanche of numbers that are going to befall on them come the Frank Worrell Trophy.

Reports suggest that Australian players, batsmen and bowlers, have gone on diet mode, smacking their lips for the buffet that will come their way. Here are a few records that are in serious risk of tumbling during this series.

Brian Lara’s 400*

Lara, who would be readying himself for MCL will have his heart in his mouth, because his record is in serious danger. David Warner has taken the Hobart, Melbourne and Sydney curators for a round of drinks to give him another Perth.

Last time, the job was left incomplete because New Zealand knew how to compete even on a very flat track. This time around faced with inexperience disguised as West Indian fast bowlers, Warner is likely to snatch from them their most treasured record.

Last we heard, he was taking tips from Matthew Hayden, another left-handed opener who broke Lara’s record for highest individual Test score before Lara had his revenge. Warner has a freeway to drive on without speed limit.

Most ducks in the history of two teams

No, we aren’t talking about individual ducks. We are talking about team ducks. The last time West Indies won a Test in Australia or in West Indies was in 2003 when they pulled one back.

Since then, West Indies have lost 0-3, 0-2, 0-2, 0-2 and 0-2 home and away. Apart from this sequence, West Indies has been blanked thrice before since 1930/31, while Australia were blanked twice, the last time in 1983/84.

Oh those glory days. Some of the legends will cringe or maybe are too tired to cringe anymore. But 3-0 in Australia’s favour is a serious possibility. That’s one duck too many.

Most hypocritical pitch ever

Spin-friendly? Seam-friendly? Flat road? Well move over the descriptions because we are going to see the most hypocritical pitch in the history of Test cricket. In all probability, Australian curators will provide pitches that are two-faced, shamelessly double natured and arrogantly biased.

What else will explain the fact that they are likely to be batting paradises when Australia bat and will turn vicious and spiteful when West Indies walk in to bat. Not fair.

Era of two day Tests is here

Pundits are having a lot of trouble accepting that Tests are getting over in three days, Mohali, Nagpur or Adelaide. Well, those Tests would seem extremely long when compared to the Test which will take place at Hobart. If reports are to be believed, the neighbourhood teams are practising to play their own matches on the third, fourth and fifth days, given the first Test in all likelihood will be over by early third day.

That is unless, Steve Smith decides to score a triple ton himself. Had it been Michael Clarke, a declaration would have been expected after 50 overs of batting. Smith is old school, so don’t be surprised if he decides to make his team play for about three sessions.

Biggest percentage of runs from the skipper

The great West Indian teams had great captains. But not even the best captains would have scored as big a percentage of their team runs as will be scored by their current skipper – Jason Holder. He is their best batsman by a margin so big, it can easily accommodate a Chris Gayle six.

Note: This article has been written purely for the sake of humour. If you find it funny great. You want to take it seriously instead – not great. If you are a West Indies fan, guess even before this piece offends you, their first tour match would have broken your heart anyway, like it did mine.