Satire: Newcastle to be transferred to Ligue 1

After the French invasion at Newcastle United in January, which saw not less than 6 Frenchmen arrive, rumors have been rife about the intentions of Alan Pardew and the club from the north east. The stories that have been doing the rounds included the secret takeover of the club by a French contingent, which could explain this French fetish.

The Newcastle United jersey for next season will soon be out in stores.

However, this is not so. In an exclusive interview, we have learnt from sources high up in the English FA and the FFF that there has been a secret deal that has been struck between the two associations. In a first of its kind deal, Newcastle United has been permanently transferred to Ligue 1. However, for administrative reasons, they have been loaned back to the Premiership until the end of the season.

In a startling revelation that is sure to shake world football, Michelle Platini said, ‘this is indeed a great step forward in the evolution of football. We believe that the increasing fees paid for players was getting a little out of hand. I mean, look at $50 million that Chelsea paid for Torres. For that sum, one could easily buy a football club and that is indeed what has happened. I laud Ligue 1 for their unique initiative and wish them all the best for the future.

The explanation seems quite satisfactory as Newcastle now have nine players in their squad of 33 and with the home-grown players rule imminent, Newcastle are in prime position to hit the ground running in France.

However, not everyone is convinced by this explanation. When approached Alan Pardew said, ‘I choose not to comment on these rumors until there is official communication from the club itself. However, I can only say that Newcastle has always stood for Liberty, Equality and Fraternity and we will always stand by that.’ Keen readers will, of course, note that that was the motto of a certain revolution in a certain country that could be called France.

With percolation of this news, plaudits have been coming from all quarters with historians encouraging this move as a sure-fire way of improving relations between the two countries. The two nations have, historically been rivals and although the rivalry has abated a bit over the recent past, they feel that this will lead to a better relationship between the two countries. A professor of history at Oxford said, ‘This is wonderful news indeed. Now we can see first hand the idiocy of the French!’ Clearly, not everyone is ready for reconciliation.

There is another section of the media that believes that this is a move that is engineered to get a certain Englishman back to the Premier League. A source in the FA said, ‘If you remember, a high-profile Englishman transferred to a French club in the recent past. Now, there was no other way to bring him back to England and so we are plotting to bring his entire club back to England. That way, he will have no choice but to come back to England. Ingenious, or what?’

It can be confirmed that this Englishman in question is most certainly not Joey Barton. Watch this space for more.

Disclaimer: All the sources in this article have deep throats but even longer noses. Avoid them like the plague.