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If you think you have a disorganized attachment style, you are not the only one. People who have had or seen emotional, physical, verbal, violence or abuse in their surroundings are more likely to have disorganized attachment. It can make a person feel constantly ashamed, unwanted, or not good enough.
Attachment theory says that a child forms a stable attachment when their main caregiver gives them a sense of security. On the other hand, a child with a disorganized attachment style has the most insecure attachment.
Attachment that isn't well-planned can cause a great deal of chaos, unpredictability in relationships, misunderstanding, and fear of being rejected. It could even lead to problems with psychological well-being, including depression or drug abuse.
What is a disorganized attachment style?: Does it begin in your childhood?
Attachment styles are like the needle on a compass. It shows where and how close you can be mentally and physically to other people, especially your parents. There are both positive and negative ways to connect, but the disorganized style is definitely negative and is thought to be unhealthy.
Generally, if you talk to a mental health professional, they would encourage you to share details about your childhood. All attachment issues can be traced back to your early years. When a child's primary caregiver hasn't set up a safe and secure foundation, the child's bond isn't well-established.
When they are scared and don't know what to do, their connection gets all messed up. The child may love their caregivers, but they are always afraid of being rejected or left behind.
Parents can scare their kids without meaning to in many ways. It could be because of abuse, violence, or unresolved problems from the past that makes the parent feel scared, unstable, and suspicious.
This scares the kid without being meant to, and they don't know how the caretaker will deal with their needs. So, a child's feelings are confused because they want to feel safe and secure with their parent, but they are also afraid and this leads to being disorganized.
People with disorganized attachment have a hard time making solid relationships. This can be caused by trauma in childhood, such as verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. It can show up as problems with trust, borderline personality disorder, drug abuse, or other addictions.
Fear of being rejected, an unfavorable view of oneself, messy relationships, deep-seated shame, a strong need for togetherness, and an overwhelming fear of intimacy are the symptoms of disorganized attachment. Healing from this type of attachment style is possible if you are honest about your emotional needs, know your triggers, learn how to calm yourself and get professional help.
Causes of disorganized attachment style
Disorganized attachment is assumed to be the result of childhood maltreatment and trauma. This might involve psychological, verbal, or abuse by a caregiver. It could also be a result of observing the caregiver harm others, such as an additional parent or older sibling.
When children grow up fearful of the same person from whom they seek affection and care, it might have an impact on how they regard their personal relationships as adults. It also causes inner anguish, which appears in other relationships and becomes the precursor to attachment issues.
Disorganized attachment style: Does it affect adult relationships?
When it comes to relationships, adults who have a messy attachment style don't have a clear plan. On the other hand, they want to be part of something. They want to be liked and love others.
They don't want to let anyone in because they are afraid. They are very worried that the individuals who love them most will hurt them. Like people with an avoidant attachment style, adults with a disorganized style are afraid of closeness and try to stay away from it. The biggest difference is that people who aren't organized want relationships.
When it comes to their relationships, people with disorganized attachment styles aren't sure what to do. They want to be accepted and loved, but at the same time, they don't trust anyone and are afraid that people they care about will hurt them. So, they try to get them out of their lives.
It's important to realize that your loved one's confusing way of disorganized attachment comes from pain and fear. Help them by being kind, patient, and accepting. When they attempt to talk about how scared they are, give them your full attention. But if their type of attachment starts to cause problems in the relationship, talk to a mental health professional.
Janvi Kapur is a counselor with a Master's degree in applied psychology with a specialization in clinical psychology.
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