Fawning: The trauma response of excessive people-pleasing

You may have heard of the fight, flight and freeze response. What Is fawning? We engage in the fawn response when you want to avoid conflict and confrontation.

The roots of this response lies in trauma. While growing up, we use this response, as we don't want to risk other people not liking us. Additionally, it also comes from a chronic fear of others not liking you.

It's important to note that fawning is a natural emotional response. While it's less talked about, it's being increasingly recognized in the mental health community. It can be used to diffuse conflict, feel more secure in relationships and earn the approval of others.

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What is fawning behavior?

What is this behavior, and why do we engage in it? (Image via Getty)

Fawning is a maladaptive way of creating safety in our connections with others by mirroring the imagined expectations and desires of other people. Fawning is not the same as fight and flight response but is a key response.

It's a trauma response. As children, if you have felt invalid or your emotional needs have not been met, you may develop this safety response. What would a traumatic look like?

It may be one where a parent dominates their children through guilt, shame, intimidation, gaslighting and punishment. We're actively taught that if we go against their wishes, we will be criticised, abandoned and also risk being punished.

Fawning stems from childhood traumatic experiences early on in life, like childhood abuse, trauma and neglect. Many of us become people pleasers, codependents and over-explainers, as we have grown up attempting to be heard by people who intentionally want us to feel misunderstood.

While in some contexts, people pleasing may work for you. However, in the long run, it can be damaging to our inner sense of safety and well-being.

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Where does fawning response come from?

We grow up with various trauma responses. It's not psychological but rather biological. (Image via Getty)

The circumstances we are exposed to during our upbringing and all subsequent events, inform our nervous system of safety.

The body has been designed in a way to respond to any harm or potential danger. Unfortunately, as the nervous system is so efficient in taking care of us, it reacts in an instant leading us down a path of self preservation before we have a chance to jump in and clarify what’s going on.

Therefore, it’s easy for our trauma responses to take the lead. We become flooded, and the body is in charge of whatever the nervous system senses. A part of therapy is dedicated to practicing more conscious awareness of our patterns of body state shifting and what thoughts are connected with those body states.

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Signs of fawning trauma response

What are the signs of fawning response? (Image via Getty)

The ultimate goal behind the fawn response is not wanting others to think negatively of you and wanting others to see you favourably.

That can show up in the form of over apologizing, complementing or appeasing. As the fawn response is developed early in childhood, it can be difficult for an individual to recognize its occurring.

Here are some signs to recognize the fawn response:

• You struggle to feel 'seen' by others and feel misunderstood.
• You have difficulty in asserting your wants and needs.
• You feel you aren't allowed to be upset with other people and default to self blame.
• You feel responsible for other people's happiness and place their needs above your own.
• You try to be easy going but are compromising your own values.
• You often shut down emotionally and don't feel like you can express how you really feel.

Under the fawn trauma response, we often learn to take care of everyone else and abandon our true selves, as it feels like the safest alternative. That's why self-care can feel so challenging, and even terrifying sometimes - the body doesn't deem it as safe. Sometimes you may also feel like you're less deserving of it.

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To protect ourselves among those exploiting our vulnerability, it's important to try not to judge you trauma responses. Recognize that these responses serve to help you to cope with a threat, though.

Gaining understanding of your fawning response and triggers can help you create healthier coping strategies. Apart from working on potential trauma with a mental health professional, you can also work on setting boundaries, and taking small steps to prevent fawning.

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Janvi Kapur is a counselor with a Master's degree in applied psychology with a specialization in clinical psychology.

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