Satire: Ask Yazad - Australia's selections explained

Chris Rogers of Australia

Q. Why did Australia take so long to pick Chris Rogers again? - Frustrated Aussie Supporter

A. Australia always felt that there were better players, more talented players and younger players. At least that’s the official line. The truth is that they wanted the next Ricky Ponting, but they forgot that every Superhero needs a trusty sidekick.

Chris Rogers has been by far Australia’s best batsman in the series, and can easily play Robin to Michael Clarke‘s Batman for some time to come. Chris Rogers, the Boy Wonder. No, that doesn’t sound right. Chris Rogers, the 35-year-old Man Wonder. On second thoughts, Boy Wonder does sound catchier.

Most of all, I blame all those songs that talk about ‘something more’. Yes, that means you Sugarland. Way to play with a man’s career. Anyways, better late than never. However, the Australians are in danger of starting a trend, Hussey at 30, Rogers at 35, you do the math.

Q. Why do Australia keep picking Shane Watson in the Test side? - Even more frustrated Aussie Supporter

A. One of the great mysteries of our time that, why Shane ‘Leg Before Wicket’ Watson can’t crack Test cricket. Yes, I know that wasn’t the question but I wanted to say one of the great mysteries of our time, and why Australia keep picking Watson isn’t exactly one.

He’s still one of the best players in Australia, even if his Test numbers don’t back that up. He’s definitely their best limited overs player, and the thing with Watson is that he looks very very good till he’s out LBW, again. Shane Watson is a bit like the girl leading you on, just when you’re about to say be done with it, he gives you a reason to hope. And then promptly lets you down. However, it is worth noting that Shiv Chanderpaul scored only 2 centuries in his first 53 Tests, and look at him now.

Q. I was watching the FLT20 Finals Day and noticed that a team called Hampshire Royals was playing. I cannot accept this. There is only one Royals, Rajasthan Royals. Please advise me on how to act. - BCCI Wannabe

A. First of all, find someone or something else to copy. N Srinivasan isn’t Don Vito Corleone and the BCCI isn’t an Italian crime family. They don’t own cricket. Yes, there is a team called the Hampshire Royals, there are T20 competitions other than the IPL, other teams that Chris Gayle plays for and no teams called Super Kings because that name is as stupid as it is delusional. So do everyone including yourself a favour and get over yourself.

Q. Are there any sayings that incorporate elements of cricket that I can use in my day-to-day life? - Too embarrassed to give my name because I don’t know any sayings that incorporate elements of cricket that I can use in my day-to-day life

A. Well Bob, can I call you Bob? I’m going to call you Bob. Well, Bob, there’s the timeless classic that is ‘Meri bat meri batting’. Roughly translated, that means my bat, my batting. It can be used when actually playing cricket, you know, when its your bat and you want to bat first and threaten to walk out with your bat if they don’t let you. Or when you have to drop friends home from a party and they try to decide the time to leave. Its your car.

So you decide. Just don’t be annoying about it. There’s also the ‘I can’t tell if this is a googly or full toss’. For example, that girl or boy you like asks you if you would like to go for a movie. But you don’t know if its a date or you’re going as friends. So you say ‘I can’t tell if this is a googly or full toss’. Because nothing gets the ladies going like cricketing analogies. *Cough* *Cough*

Q. Who should Australia pick to bat at number 3, Phil Hughes or Usman Khawaja? - Bob

A. Lets make a list of pros and cons for Hughes and Khawaja.

Phil Hughes

Pros- He’s willing to fight it out. He’s scored 21 first class centuries. He actually did his homework in India. You don’t just drop the new original boy wonder (after Ponting and Clarke). Its tough for a player when he’s being shuffled up and down the batting order, he’s batted at 3, 4 and 6 in his last few Test matches.

He scored twin centuries against South Africa in South Africa. In his second Test. At the age of 20. Clearly there’s some talent. And lest we forget, he scored 81*, saved Australia from embarrassment and was dropped after one bad Test.

Cons- He makes ugly runs. He’s not Batman.

Usman Khawaja

Pros- He looks very elegant while batting.

Cons- He didn’t do his homework. He hasn’t done anything of note in Test cricket. He has the attention span of a goldfish with Tourette’s. He’s not Batman.

Well seeing as neither of them are Batman, why don’t they just pick Phil Hughes? It is literally that simple.