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We start off with a weird segment with Vickie presenting two new wheels for RAW roulette. She’s say that we’re going to have Cesaro vs. Orton VII, with a special guest referee. We go to the ring where a very angry CM Punk comes out to the ring. He starts screaming hilariously, which almost makes up for him losing the title to the Rock. He says that he is still the WWE Champion, and that he got screwed (which he kind of did). Vince McMahon’s music hits and the chairman of the board comes out to the ring while CM Punk screams at him. Vince McMahon says he has proof that CM Punk is involved with the Shield, and that Heyman will undergo a performance evaluation later tonight where he may or not be fired. My question is, what job does Heyman do that he can get fired from?
| ANGRY PUNK |
Orton comes out for his 300th match with Cesaro, except tonight we’ll get a special referee. The United States Champion Antonio Cesaro comes out next, still waving that giant American Flag. The special guest ref is revealed to be Miz, which means that this feud is still going on. I hate it when feuds keep going after a clean win. There is no reason for the Miz to get another title shot or to be mad at Cesaro. He lost. I also love how the roulette wheel managed to land on a person who is extremely relevant and is feuding with one of the competitors. After a good 15 minute or so match, Miz pulls Cesaro from Orton in the corner, and Orton hits and RKO “out of nowhere” for the pin. I swear, Cesaro has lost to Orton like 9,000 times this year. Notice how my over-exaggeration of how many times Orton and Cesaro have faced each other went from 7 to 9,000. I try to shake things up a bit. The Miz picks Cesaro up after the match, only to hit the Skull Crushing Finale on Cesaro. So after losing cleanly to Cesaro, you cost him a match and hit him with the SKF? Jeez, faces are kind of douche bags nowadays. Just look at Sheamus. We go backstage to see Ryback spin the “Vickie’s Challenge Wheel”. I have no idea what it is. He gets the “Make Vickie laugh” challenge. He just grunts at Vickie and walks away. Insert sex joke here. How could Ryback make me laugh? Have him try to wrestle.
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| Orton vs. Cesaro, Episode VIII: The RKO Out of Somewhere |
We come back from the break to see PTP in the ring, who have the challenge of making Ryback laugh. This is probably going to be hilarious. PTP start making a few jokes at the expense of Matt Striker. They go to Ryback, who says he has a joke. He says an unfunny joke about him Shell Shocking PTP. He does just that. I kind of would have liked to see Ryback try to tell a joke. Anyways, Ryback (who is attacking PTP for no reason) takes out PTP and gets a nice little pop from the hometown crowd of Las Vegas. Then he attacks Striker for no reason. What a prick.
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| Ryback: WWE’s resident jerk face. |
We return to RAW to see Vickie spin the wheel to reveal that Wade will get to choose his opponent. What if it landed on something else? Who the hell was he supposed to face? God I hate WWE logic. He chooses Bo Dallas, and Bo comes out to one of the smallest pops I’ve ever heard ever. After a very short match, Bo Dallas hit a very stupid looking powerslam to win. After reading Twitter, it’s safe to say that it’s unanimous on how we all feel about Bo Dallas. He sucks. If he wins the IC title, I will rage on the internet hardcore. We go backstage to see Cody Rhodes spin the wheel only to learn that he’s facing John Cena next. So do they spin a different wheel to determine which wheel they get to spin? It’s all a bit confusing.
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| Bo Dallas studied at the Bret Hart School of Hair Styling. |
We return from the break to see John Cena make his way to the ring. After about a minute of the match, Cody Rhodes gets a mic and says that this is a waste of his time and that he is leaving. Cena throws him back into the ring and hits the ol’ 5 Moves of Doom for the win. After the match, Cena gets a mic and starts to talk. Gross. I’m still mad that he won the Rumble. I don’t want to see Rock vs. Cena II, especially for the title. He starts doing a promo about how he needs to decide what World title to go for. I kind of feel like WWE is insulting our intelligence by trying to make it seem like Cena is having a hard time deciding whether to go for the WWE or World Heavyweight Championship. We all know we are getting Rock vs. Cena II. You don’t need to dance around it. After a lengthy promo, Cena finally announces he’ll be facing the WWE Champion (what a shocker), but is interrupted by the Shield, who come down to the ring and completely destroy Cena. Sheamus comes out, followed by Ryback, and the faces still get decimated by the Shield. Nice to see them really pushing these guys and not just pulling a Nexus and having them get destroyed by the top guys in the company.
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| You’re welcome for this picture. |
We come back from the break to see Tensai in lingerie. Yes, you read that right. Tensai. In lingerie. I’m going to leave it at that. We go backstage to see Alberto Del Rio spin the wheel and get a body slam match with Big Show. Del Rio comes out to a decent pop. Big Show comes out and immediately goes after Del Rio. He hits him with the KO punch and duct tapes him to the ropes. Del Rio lays helpless as Big Show destroys Ricardo. I feel like after this would be a good time for Dolph to cash-in. He won’t. Show hits Del Rio with another KO punch and leaves the ring, with both Ricardo and ADR laying motionless. PLEASE COME OUT ZIGGLER. We cut to commercial. No Ziggler. Sad me.
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| The Champion was duct taped to the ring and unconscious. There was no better time to cash-in, Ziggler. |
We come back from commercial to see Kaitlyn defend her title against Tamina in a lumberjill match. The amount of lumberjills really shows how thin the Divas roster is. When Kaitlyn goes for the pin, all the lumberjills attack. THIS IS MY INTERESTED FONT. We come back from the break to see our, sigh, new WWE Champion the Rock come out. I’m sure that you can guess his whole promo. The Rock says that the terrible days with Punk as champion are over. I don’t know about you, but the days with CM Punk as champion were awesome. CM Punk comes out after Rock says that everyone will have sex (he said that), and CM Punk rages on the Rock. The Rock says if CM Punk were a man, he would go and take back the title himself. CM Punk teases a confrontation, but he goes back to the ramp and starts listing all the house shows he’s doing this week that the Rock can find him at. Genius. The rematch for Elimination Chamber is set, meaning that the title won’t be defended in the chamber. Hopefully they’ll do a chamber match like in 2011 where the winner becomes #1 Contender or something.
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| “It’s cool to swear!” |
We come back from the break to see Sandow in the ring ready to face Sheamus in a tables match. So, yes, Sandow’s going through a table. In the middle of the match, some heavy “Thank you Sandow” chants start up. Awesome. Sandow gets caught with White Noise through a table. Predictable, but Sandow looked great in the match. Interesting that the McMahon/Heyman segment is ending the show. I’m assuming that something big is going to happen if it’s booting Rock from the end of the show. Lesnar maybe? It’s time for some RAW karaoke. Yay. Khali starts singing off key HBK theme, only to be interrupted by 3MB. I’m actually pretty excited to see if 3MB actually sings. It doesn’t. Sad me. The good guys of Khali, Hornswoggle, Natalya, and Zack Ryder (for some reason) take out 3MB.
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| Natalya alongside my three least favorite entities in WWE. |
We come back from the break for the RAW debut of Chris Jericho. Maybe this is just some Winnipeg bias, but Jericho is honestly my favourite wrestler of all time. How can you not love the Man of 1004 holds? Jericho gives a promo on how he’s back, but he gets interrupted by Ziggles. Ziggles reminds Jericho that he is the one who retired him, only for Big E to say that Jericho should leave. Jericho starts making fun of Big E, but is once again interrupted by Ziggler. Vickie shows up on the tron and says that Jericho and Ziggler will be facing Team Hell No. SO MUCH FEELINGS RIGHT NOW. The match begins as I prepare my body for this. After Jericho tags Ziggler and leaves, Kane hits the chokeslam on Ziggler for the win. The match was short, but we got to see Kane, Bryan, Ziggler, and Jericho all in the same match. Big win.
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| Chris Jericho: Now with more tattoos! |
We get a little video package revealing Trish Stratus to be the next Hall of Fame inductee. Super awesome. It’s already a stacked Hall of Fame this year and only three people have been announced. Can’t wait to watch the ceremony. We return after the break to see Mr. McMahon waiting in the ring to evaluate Paul Heyman. Some ECW chants for Heyman when he comes down. Vince asks Paul if he’s behind the Shield, to which Heyman says no. He then asks Heyman if he’s ever lied. As Heyman says that he used to lie, but not about the Shield. It’s about now that WWE spoiled Lesnar returning by posting a picture on Twitter of him saying “guess who just walked through the front door!”. Thanks WWE, thanks. Whatever, Lesnar coming back should be awesome. Unless it’s for another match with Triple H. I don’t want none of that. Vince runs a videotape with Heyman talking to Maddox, revealing that he was behind the Shield and Maddox the whole time. Heyman still tries to cover his ass, but before McMahon can fire him, Lesnar’s music hits. Here comes the pain! Lesnar makes his way down to the ring in some dazzling yellow shoes. Lesnar comes in the ring, and after a long stare-down with Vince McMahon, he picks him up and hits him with an F-5! Yep, HHH vs. Lesnar II is happening.
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| Look at those snazzy sneakers! |
As usual, you can follow me on Twitter @SmarkInProgress where I will probably still be complaining about the Rock winning.
