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The term gaslighting is frequently used these days, but what does it mean? The phrase comes from a husband who psychologically mistreated his wife in Patrick Hamilton's 1939 theatrical comedy 'Gaslight'.
In the story, the husband tried to persuade his wife that she was crazy by changing the minute details of their surroundings. He then claimed that she was misinformed and had inaccurate memories when she pointed out the alterations he had made.
The title of the play references how the controlling husband gradually turned down the gaslights while acting as if nothing has changed in an effort to make his wife question her own views. When someone gaslights you, they make you doubt your own reality, memory, and judgment.
Example of Gaslighting
We can understand the concept by looking at a scenario in the workplace. Most gaslighters have a propensity for misremembering the past.
For instance, your employer may inform you that the report you submitted a few days ago was never received. However, you may be certain that you left that report on their desk.
In fact, you're certain that you did, as you may have remained up late to complete it. The gaslighter may insist that they never received it, though.
Despite your convictions that you did, you begin to consider the possibility that you have misplaced it or that it was stolen from their desk. You may end up imagining potential outcomes, even unlikely ones, that would support the gaslighter's account of events.
How Gaslighting Looks in a Relationship?
Gaslighting can frequently go unnoticed in relationships. When doing something you view as abusive, manipulative, or wrong, a person is likely to gaslight you if they justify their actions by saying, "You know I only do it because I love you," or "Believe me, this is for the best."
To justify their behavior, gaslighters may claim that you don't love them equally if you disagree with what they say or do.
To exert influence over you, the gaslighter may, for instance, ruin your chances at employment or friendship while rationalizing their actions by claiming to be worried about you or to care about you.
Gaslighters frequently accuse their victims of being paranoid as one of their most prevalent strategies. This frequently occurs when a love partner cheats. Instead of accepting responsibility for their own inappropriate behavior, gaslighters will blame their partner for the issue.
They would utter phrases such as, "Do you really believe I would betray you? "Why are you so paranoid? " or "You are just insecure." You can be sure I never would." In an effort to get the victim to stop believing their intuition or observations, the gaslighter will accuse them of being too sensitive and envious.
How Do You Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You?
It might be challenging for victims of gaslighting to spot the warning indications. They may think that they have a bad memory or that the abusive individual is trustworthy.
However, gaslighting can be at play if a person frequently doubts their memory or needs assistance from another to help them make straightforward decisions. Gaslighting can also cause anxiety, sadness, and psychological trauma, especially if it's part of a larger pattern of emotional abuse.
The following are some possible warning signs of gaslighting:
- Uncertainty about your perceptions (You find it difficult to believe your own thoughts and beliefs).
- Having frequent doubts about you memory, leading you to believe that you are unreasonable or crazy.
- Feeling unworthy, inadequate, or not confident.
- Apologize to the abusive person regularly
How to Receive Support?
Gaslighters can compromise your safety in a relationship. You don't have to be alone if you want to end an abusive relationship or heal a work or family situation. Counselors with trauma-informed training and therapists are helpful options for escaping unsafe settings and regaining self-assurance and self-love.
It's beneficial to seek support from a nearby therapist or online counseling community to process feelings related to gaslighting. Support groups and other social resources in the community can also be beneficial in removing feelings of loneliness and incapacity.
These support groups could put you in touch with other survivors dealing with comparable issues, reassuring you that your experience is not unique.
Takeaway
Remember that gaslighting is not always done by the other person; it can also be inflicted on ourselves. By becoming aware of the signs, we can seek to form genuine relationships not only with others but with ourselves as well.
Janvi Kapur is a counselor with a Master's degree in applied psychology with a specialization in clinical psychology.
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